Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
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Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.