Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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When you “pspspsp” too hard
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.