If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Never ghost your hitman.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
the icebreaker
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.