Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.