Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
You Might Also Like
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
…żyje?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
This is enough internet for the day.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC