And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.