i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said