Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
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It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
See..?
.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.