Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
You Might Also Like
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.