I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Overindulged this afternoon.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
👾👾👾
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My dog ate my work from home.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.