Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Introverted vegans go meetless
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.