FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
getting groceries
any last words?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.