Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.