overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
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I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
The internet is full of many things
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!