When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.