I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
A couple who are silly together stay together.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”