If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that