My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Ugh
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”