3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
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A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven