[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
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Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I love it all
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
What the hell is going on?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.