Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO