@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
You Might Also Like
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes