(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Pot warmers of the day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.