I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
emergency phone
I bet
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.