If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
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That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
These work great until they don’t.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do