I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
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I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
If I ignore life will it go away?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
This is my emotional support knife.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
peeping toms
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back