Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
when you order from DoorDastardly
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.