#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot: