If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
You Might Also Like
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My wife gives the best headache.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name