A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!