Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
You Might Also Like
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
If only
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze