I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
is this store having a stroke wtf
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”