Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
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My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant