Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 馃檪
You Might Also Like
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I鈥檓 so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They鈥檙e ibuprofen.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you鈥檙e ugly.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie