“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
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sleeping beauty
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Me in tagged photos
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.