If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy