(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
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A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.