It’s tough getting user casket reviews
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NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No