Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”