“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
You Might Also Like
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
🤔😂😂
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I just love that new Pope smell.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.