Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct