My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
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“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.