Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.