garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas