Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*