I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
he was correct
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Why I divorced her.
When your parents check you’re ok.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her