Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
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I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.