Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
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“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER