a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
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My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
That’s what I call a flat tire
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt