Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Day 2 of my diet
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers